I Smell Like Old People

For the past week my calf muscle has been sore. Not sore like, “Oh I bumped my leg on the coffee table” sore, more like, “I shouldn’t have pushed myself so hard on the elliptical”, sore.

Seemed like every morning when I rolled out of bed it would hurt the worst. But after downing 800 mg. of ibuprofen and walking a bit, it  started to feel better.

Until Tuesday.

I was just running along, hustling and bustling at work, minding my own business when…Bam! I felt a pop and a rip in my calf muscle that almost sent me to my knees. I’ve never experienced anything like that before. Weird. Yeah it hurt, but not hurt like when I got hit in the back with a snowboard pain, call the ambulance. No, this was more like, I can hobble around, give me 1600 mg. of ibuprofen, quick, hurt.

Shortly after the incident I decided to pull up my pant leg to assess the damage. It was feeling a bit tight and swollen. I looked down at my calf and “shiz” it looked huge. I was thinking…”Wow that sucker blew up fast!” Then I looked at my other calf and it was the same size! Okay….never noticed that before. Oh well there are worse body parts to be huge on a person, I guess.

I made it through the day at work and had Alan stop on the way home at the store and pick me up some Icy Hot.

I’m not sure if that stuff is helping. For one, it stinks. I hate the smell of muscle rub ointments. Can’t they make that stuff without the stink. It reminds me of old people smell. Wait, I am old. Well, kind of old. It labels you if you wear muscle ointments out in public. Everyone can smell you and says to themselves…”Poor old lady, her ancient muscles ache.”

I thought I was applying something to numb my calf muscles, if I wanted my sinuses cleared out I’d buy Vick’s. And another thing, I felt the icy, but I never felt the hot. I kept waiting, waiting for some heat. Nothing. So the name is a lie.

The sore tale takes a turn for the worse. (Sad face.) (Tears even.)

You know when you bite the inside of your cheek or you stub your toe and then you repeatedly do the same action for at least a few days following? Well, yesterday I was hobbling through the kitchen and I stubbed my toe on the opposite foot on one of my metal legged bistro chairs which sent me slamming all my weight onto my sore leg. Rip again! Now I am literally bawling from the pain of not only my stubbed toe but the calf muscle which is now ripped and stretched like a queen size fitted sheet on a king size bed!

But I didn’t swear. Strange. I usually swear like a sailor when I inflict pain upon my self. Maybe it was because it was so excruciating I didn’t have the inner strength to speak. Just cry.

Alan was home and knew better than to utter a word. He eventually asked if I wanted help getting into bed. No thanks. Sob, sob.

I helped myself to more ibuprofen and Icy Hot and went to bed on my own steam. By the end of the day it was feeling a tiny bit better.

Today I am still hobbling around, but I am so loaded up on ibuprofen and my head is numb from the Icy Hot fumes, I feel pretty good.

I have to go back to work tomorrow so I am holding out hope that I will feel even better by then. I am just trying not to move, lest I cripple myself beyond repair.

Oh.. and I won’t be wearing high heels to my Company Christmas party tonight. Why tempt fate?

I am also hoping that everyone enjoys my new perfume…

Eau-de-Icy Hot.


11 thoughts on “I Smell Like Old People

  1. Ok Nurse Helen here…….go see your GP or a terrific chiropractor. You need to have that attended to, Lori. I will allow you to attend your Christmas party tonight but be careful…..
    I will whisper a prayer for you too.
    I struggled with a terrible knee a few months back. All I had done was some housework…ok a LOT of housework ON my knees and I got “housemaid’s knee” I was laid up for so long but my amazing chiropractor did laser treatments and used special tape like they use on football players etc.
    But I know now that I have to get my dear husband to do all the scrubbing. smart, hey? 🙂

  2. Poor Lori! Just use more Advil! I’d die first before I used those smelly rubs! Nasty things! I’ll get the name of Linda’s “rub” and ask her if it smells. Poor Lori! Enjoy the party! Love ya!

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